Saturday 08/17/02 4am
I've been lying in bed for the last 1/2 hour since you left composing things in my head, and decided I should record them if I'm going to remember them to tell you.

Concerning "dissappearing on me"
At the time I used this phrase back in May or June, I had used it in two contexts - physically & emotionally.  Physically dissappearing on me, I think we both understood, and this is the context you were talking about when you said you wouldn't, and you haven't.

The problem is I had also been talking about emotionally dissappearing, which you apparently didn't understand.  But when you said you wouldn't I took it to mean you wouldn't in this context also.  In practice I was talking about doing things like raising problems & concerns, so that they are known about & although the final decision about what to do might be one or the other of ours, the other person at least has an awareness that there was a decision being made.  That is what I did when Ted called me.  I talked it over with you, and although I was the one who needed to decide what to do about it, I made you aware of what was going on in my head.  

I knew you were grumpy and that something was up in the couple of weeks after my birthday, but was expecting you to talk to me about it, to tell me what was bothering you.  Yes, you would need to make decisions about what is best for you in the situation, but I expected you to tell me of the situation BEFORE you decided about it, not after.

This is one of the main points of pain I think.  I was ready for us to talk about what might be bothering you, the result of which would have probably included you and me changing our relationship in some fashion.  I was not expecting to have a door shut in my face & be told all decisions had been made & that was that.  And to have that followed up with the emotional cold sholder in the following days/weeks has hurt as well.  Last Sunday you said you didn't remember me trying to talk to you about things.  I have.  I would try to start a conversation with you and just get frozen or ignored.  It hurt.

As to what was said last night: 
1st) thank you for speaking to me.  I know you didn't want to, but I needed to.  It strikes me that you didn't want me to because you were afraid I was going to convince you you were wrong about your decisions.  As it happens, in some ways I think you were/are, but it's your decision to make and I can't make you change your mind.  I CAN tell you I think in some ways you are being a big butthead, but you are going to have to figure that our on your own to accept it.

My input on the state of this relationship that I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ANLE TO GIVE BEFORE YOU DUMPED ME is this:  This relationship started out being fairly light on both our sides, I believe.  I know that based on what I saw of you, I was not expecting things to even go on as long as they did.  I kept expecting you to want to move on to other things, but you didn't and I began to think that this lovely time could continue indefinately.  I knew things would crop up from time to time that might change that, but expected US to deal with them & decide if we wanted to continue or not, with either one being able to say not, but with the other one having input

One thing that cropped up was the question of monogomy. I hold my memory of the night after Carly's party dear, especially as it was one of the few times you opened up to me about your feelings.  You are a very hidden person, and I understrand that, but that night you told me that you had to show me how much I meant to you before you could tell me about Miss SXSW, and you were scared about what my reaction was going to be.  

I have to hold to that truth, that I meant a lot to you.  That is what makes me believe that one of the last scenarios I listed last night is the closest to the truth.  You are wanting a deeper relationship, but are scared that it wouldn't work out and so are pulling the plug now to avoid getting hurt more later.  Personally speaking, I can tell you it hurts more than enough now.  Yes, I know you "adimantely refuse to take any responsibility for how I feel".  I also know that's not going to stop me from telling you it hurts. A lot.  And a lot of this came from decisions/situations that were going on in my head in the last month or before we broke up.  Things I was going to talk to you about that day, when I was expecting you to talk to me aout what had been bothering you.

Some of those things were: We had talked about you vs Ted in the concept of stability.  I had come to the decision that I didn't want to date Ted because I was a lot happier with you, and that yes things were less stable, but why did I need you to be the stable one.  I could be stable all on my own thank you.  I was also wanting to talk to you about where things might be going with us and what you wanted from our relationship.  Practicalities like how much should I be coming over, how much you wanted to have James included in our relationship, etc.  

Part of my brain tends to dream up futures.  One future I had thought of was me buying a house next year that was big enough for the three of us, and you moving in with me, renting out your condo to cover the cost of the mortgage.  Anotehr scenario was me buying a condo in this same complex, and us continuing to live in two households, You with your space, James with his & me fluxuating between the two.  

As i said at one point, one of the major practicalities that would have to be dealt with is how did you feel about James and that if we were to try for a long term comitted relationship you would have to accept him as part of your life, not just part of mine.  With out that acceptance, it's true that our relationship wasn't going to be able to get much deeper.

I had decided to address this before you dumped me, and have evidence from my "achey-breachy-heart" this past month that I was willing to try for that deeper relationship.  I don't know if you thought I wasn't and that's what made you decide to jump, or if you had actually taken James into consideration, which is telling in its own right.

Anyway, enough of that... On to "What now?"

relationship back to what it was "supposed to be"
I still am of two hearts about this
See what happens